The Nord of the Bings
by Herobob
Summary: Hi, I'm Herobob. After the now long ago success of my matrix parodys I've decided to parody one of most loved books, The Lord of the Rings. Enjoy.
1. NotB Chapter1 The Mire

THE NORD OF THE BINGS By Herobob  
  
In times long past of magic, dungeons, dragons and turnips; in the land that we today call Englband, there was the Mire.  
And, in this Mire, there dwelled a strange, smelly creature. These creatures were known in the Common Speech as 'Moppits'. Now, these Moppits were a small, hairy breed. They were unwanted and unwashed. This explained why they lived in a swamp, in complete isolation from civilised folk.  
Of course when they named it the Mire it wasn't because of its large dung beetle population, or because of the rare tropical fruits that grew there, or even because of the odour of old socks that hung over the Mire as a thick green fog. They called it the Mire because that is what it was - a mire.  
Yes, the Moppits were quite dim witted. Because of this, they tended to call anything new they discovered by the most boring name possible, what it actually was. For instance, a couple of furry little Moppits would come across a boulder lying in a field and the first one would say  
"Well would'ya look at that Alf! There's a rock in my field!" And the other would reply  
"Yes, Ted, I do think you're right. There is a rock in your field!" The first Moppit would wonder  
"I wonder what we should call the rock?" And the second would answer  
"Why! I've got just the name! Hows about 'The Rock-in-the-Field'?"  
"Yes! Or 'Large grey Rock'!"  
"Brilliant! But maybe 'The Tuesday Rock', 'cus today's a Tuesday and this is the day we found it!"  
  
The conversation would carry on like this for a good half an hour before they would agree on a name, usually either one of the above or something like 'Big Grey Stone'.  
So the Moppits lived out their meaningless lives. They were a small and stupid folk who lived in holes under the ground, and so they were left pretty much alone by the outside world. Men, the dominant race of Middle Turf (the great extensive land in the northwest corner of which lay the Mire) had not been near the mire for many an age, and the two races had grown so apart and concerned with their own affairs, that in the lands of men myths had grown of small animals who secreted poison from underneath their toenails, and in the Mire Moppit housewives told tales of giants who ate each other with beans and sprouts as side dishes in deadly feasts.  
As it happens, men would have done well to keep their contacts with the Mire, for the day would soon come when Moppits would rule the fate of them all...dun dun duuun!!!  
  
There was, however, one who did venture from time to time into the land of the Moppits. He was a wizard, and his name was Spamdalf. He was a dirty old man with some limited magical skill who had taken a liking to the young, innocent looking little Moppits when he had first seen them. He often traveled to the Mire and entered Fag End, dwelling of his favourite little Moppit, and stayed there for long periods of time. During these times, folk said that strange moaning noises came from the house, but that was just a rumour.  
The little Moppit in question was called Dodo son of Pogo Bobbins, and he was kindly, good-natured, young Moppit who smelled faintly of fish. One fine day, Dodo was quietly humming to himself while reading a pornographic book, when suddenly he heard the roar of a twin diesel engine. Frodo was puzzled- Moppits got about by horse and cart (when they weren't walking). Who could be coming through the woods of Talcumpowder making such a racket? His question was answered when he peered from behind a tree to see Spamdalf revving up a cart that had been supped up with ten rear spoilers, triple exhaust pipes, tinted windows and, of course, a twin diesel engine. Spamdalf was coughing in the huge clouds of poisonous exhaust but soon regained his posture and drove on slowly (but not at all quietly) down the lane. Dodo couldn't believe it; his best and most exciting friend was back in the Mire! He stepped forward and said to Spamdalf "You're gay." Which was wholly true. The wizard turned slowly to him and answered "A wizard is never gay, Dodo Bobbins, nor is he secretly a woman. He is just exactly in between." There was a pause. Spamdalf began to smile his strange smile, and then Dodo randomly began to laugh heartily. He leapt from the bank he was standing on and crashed into Spamdalf, giving him a nosebleed and almost knocking him off his cart. But Spamdalf didn't mind, he loved it when little Moppits rolled around on top of him. "Have you any stories or news from the big wide world Spamdalf?" asked Dodo after he had wriggled out of the wizard's iron grip of lust. "Well now, maybe. But it is a story that I would not like to tell you, for it may prove that you are in great danger." "Do you mean...?" began Dodo, but Spamdalf interrupted "No I don't mean the lunatic killer Moppit that's rampaging round the Mire. I mean, ah, I cannot utter his name here!"  
  
And with that Spamdalf stepped on the gas and the cart shot off up the lane, running over Rosie Cotton, and pulling up outside Fag End. He didn't know it, but by the time he next left there, Dodo's life would be changed forever!!!  
  
To be continued... 


	2. NotB Chapter2 Dodo's Journey Begins

**Nord of the Bings**

**Part 2**

Spamdalf walked aimlessly round the main room in Bob End, muttering to himself and twitching now and then. Dodo watched him nervously for a few minutes then, not being able to bear it a minute longer, he spoke:

"Would you like a cup of tea, Spamdalf?"

Spamdalf rounded on him in fury- "No! No I don't want a cup of tea! I have more important things to deal with."

Dodo was taken by surprise. The old wizard had always been very kind. Spamdalf looked at him sympathetically:

"I am sorry, Dodo. It's just that I have found some stuff out, and now some people are coming, and loads of stuffs happening, oh, and you're in mortal danger."

Dodo pondered this speech. He could make nothing of it.

"What's wrong Spamdalf?"

"It's your uncles old toilet brush," said Spamdalf, "I have discovered from reading big boys books that it is in fact the special toilet brush."

"What does that mean?" asked Dodo.

"It was moulded and packed ready for mass production by...Moron, one of the most evil things ever, a long time ago. How your uncle found it I have guessed – the creature Sollum. He had the brush for a short time in a cave, and it must have been there that your uncle picked it up."

"So what?"

"So, my boy, you are now in a very bad predicament. Moron will send his caterpillars and ladybirds after you. They are very scary. You cannot linger here. You must leave the Mire immediately!"

Dodo was perplexed.

"Well, I suppose Spamdalf, but I like the Mire. All my friends live here. I'd prefer to stay."

"No Dodo, the Mire is no longer safe. Quickly, you must leave!"

Spamdalf and Dodo quickly gathered together some random garbage lying around and packed it in a bag, along with the toilet brush. Dodo put a purple coat on and tucked his secret weed stash in his pockets (Moppits are great fans of the happy stuff). He was ready for his adventure.

"Wait!" said Spamdalf, "you need a worthless servant, one who is loyal, dim witted, both a nazi love slave and a chef at the same time."

"I know some one who fits that description!" cried Dodo.

Ram Hamlee was a bumbling idiot of a Moppit who lived in the coat closet in Bob End. Dodo summoned him with a cry of "Come, Ram! We are off on a great adventure to keep the toilet brush secret from Moron and his evil crumpets! Let us away!"

And they skipped off down the road together, singing a Moppit nursery rhyme about death and pain. Spamdalf had given Dodo a warning before he left – "This toilet brush is of immense power, Dodo. Keep it secret; keep it dirty. But do not use it! For it is periless to all who attempt to harness its awesome energy."

Dodo gave little thought to it at the time, but little did he know that TERRIBLE STUFF WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!!! Ram and Dodo skipped off through the smelly beauty of the Mire, thinking not of Moron or his brush, but larks, and antelopes, and ham sandwiches and other such pleasant Mire things. The terrible stuff was near, but Dodo and Ram would be ready for it, when the time came...

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
